The Elbow staff
TORONTO, ON – The Ontario provincial government today announced that the population of Toronto has more than doubled overnight, following Auston Matthews' four-goal game against the Ottawa Senators.
Previously listed at 2.8 million people, it has been revealed that over 6.4 million people are now living in city. It is an increase not seen in Toronto since the end of the Second World War.
"It appears as if these people have just materialized from nothing," government spokesperson Sheila Lampert said. "And they all appear to be wearing Leafs jerseys with number 34 on the back."
"We don't know where they plan on living, but state of emergency meetings are currently underway at Queen's Park."
Toronto Police chief Mark Saunders has cautioned old residents of the city from interacting with the new ones.
"We advise extreme caution around these newcomers to our city," he said this morning. "While they appear to be harmless, we already have reports of them following strangers around and insisting that they talk about the Maple Leafs."
"They will appear to be long-time fans of the Leafs at first, but if they are asked any specific questions about the team prior to this year, they have been known to get agitated and in some cases, violent."
Although they won't say publicly, authorities are confident that the situation will take care of itself by around mid-November.