The Elbow staff
VANCOUVER, BC – Simon Porter, a five-year-old suffering from terminal brain cancer, has failed to impress Vancouver Canucks coaching staff in his first practice session after signing a one-day Make-A-Wish contract this morning.
The right winger for the Maple Ridge Seahawks mini mites team was described as a lethargic and lazy skater with below-average puckhandling skills.
"I don't understand what all the fuss was about this kid," an anonymous member of the Canucks coaching staff said on Wednesday morning. "He has the hockey IQ of a monkey and was unable to receive a single pass from any of his teammates."
"He didn't show one redeeming quality on the ice this morning. I don't think it's a stretch to say that he let his entire family down with this performance."
Despite the fact that Porter's skills were unanimously canned by everyone present at the arena, several members of the team had trouble keeping up with him.
"I'm not sure what it was about the kid, but several of us guys fell over each time we came within a couple of feet of him," Chris Tanev said. "He was a bit of a wizard with the puck. I felt myself getting dizzy each time he tried dangling his way between me and [Ben] Hutton."
It is believed that Canucks management will not offer Porter a new contract.