The Elbow staff
WASHINGTON, DC – A study completed by a group of leading anthropologists at Georgetown University has concluded that Flyers fans and Neanderthals are much more closely related than first thought.
The scientists are calling the finding a "major breakthrough for humanity".
"The Flyers fan is one that sociologists and anthropologists alike have been trying to explain for the better part of half a century," Peter Spence, team lead said.
"The observed behaviour of Flyers fans in their natural habitat, such as throwing wristbands and other garbage onto the playing surface, is comparable to the feces throwing we see in current-day apes when agitated, and the rock throwing that we know the Neanderthal would do when hungry."
Technology employed by the researchers at Georgetown allowed them to pinpoint the time in history when Neanderthals progressed from throwing objects to problem-solving for themselves. It was at that point that present-day humans began taking shape, while the early version of the Flyers fan branched off and effectively ceased evolving.
"What we've found is that the DNA makeup and intellectual capacity of the present-day Flyers fan puts them at a relative distance from the Neanderthal that we would otherwise associate with first cousins twice removed," Spence said. "With the rest of the world developing at an astonishing rate, the lack of progress that has been made from Neanderthals to Flyers fans is truly astonishing."
"The simple verbal cues they use are almost exactly the same as the ones used by the men and women who roamed through Europe some 100,000 years ago. Listening to the broadcast of a Flyers game on their local cable station was a fascinating exercise for our language specialists."
At press time, the Flyers had yet not returned our calls for comment.