The Elbow staff
PITTSBURGH, PA – With his teammates working hard on the ice in the lead-up to the World Cup of Hockey later this month, Alex Ovechkin is preparing for a different kind of battle off of it.
According to an anonymous team source, Ovechkin smuggled genetically engineered "super" Russian bed bugs into the U.S. with the intention of releasing them in the Penguins locker room.
The sniper is in Pittsburgh as captain of Team Russia ahead of their game against Canada at the Consol Energy Center in a pre-tournament game on Wednesday.
The reigning Rocket Richard Trophy winner reportedly worked with Russian scientists over the summer to develop an insect more deadly than the North American variety.
With advanced eyesight, the Russian bed bugs (Itchius Putinus) are able to learn hand cues and follow directions from their masters, while their teeth are able to bite through bone as well as human flesh.
"Ovie has finally cracked," the source said. "After years of being the bridesmaid to Crosby's bride, he's finally decided to take matters into his own hands and win by any means necessary."
"He's tried besting Sid on the ice and failed, so now he's going to focus on winning off the ice."
The Russian bed bugs have been engineered to lay dormant during warmer weather and then wake up when the outside temperature hits 5 degrees Celsius.
By that time, Ovechkin will be long gone and the Penguins will be left scratching their heads about how everything went wrong.