The Elbow staff
NEW YORK, NY – The NHL today announced that former enforcer George Parros has joined the Department of Player Safety.
In what the league describes as a concerted effort to appeal to potential fans across the globe, Parros will deliver his own form of punishment in a weekly special on NBCSN prior to Wednesday Rivalry Night games.
"As a league, we're always looking for ways to evolve," league spokesman Derek Lowe said. "We're so lucky to have George join forces with us to dish out some good, old-fashioned justice."
"We think that this new system of law enforcement in the NHL is the way of the future, and we expect to see the NFL follow suit within the next 12 months."
Parros will bare-knuckle box players who, in the old system, would have been suspended between one and nine games.
For more egregious infractions that were formerly 10+ game suspensions, he will be able to fight the perpetrator in a two-on-one tag-team setup.
Certain sources around the league have hinted that he has already extended an invitation to old friend Georges Laraque to join him in the ring. Chris Pronger has reportedly put his hand up for duty as well.
Parros and his friends will be encouraged to use props such as chairs and hockey sticks for repeat offenders.
"Basically, we've given him the authority to be as inventive as he likes. Fans are always asking for new ways to make the sport interesting, and we're not going to hold him back."