The Elbow staff
VANCOUVER, BC – At least one man in North America pays attention to NHL power rankings.
Friends of Canucks fan Dan Powell say they were shocked to learn that the 34-year-old marketing executive, who seemingly had his life well put together, spends 20 minutes dissecting every set of rankings he can find.
Powell is the first fully functioning adult over the age of 18 known to regard power rankings with anything more than a passing indifference.
"He reads any of them that he can find – NHL.com, ESPN, TSN, Sportsnet... you name it," close friend Jim Norton said. "Last week he came complaining to me about how the Canucks don't get the respect they deserve. I didn't put two and two together at the time."
"But after a while, I figured out what he was talking about. I used to think he was a pretty normal dude who had some solid direction in his life."
Norton, a part-time barista and previously regarded as the token degenerate among his group of friends, said this is a load off for him.
"I only work about 10 hours a week," he said. "The rest of my time is usually spent smoking dope, playing Playstation at my parents' house, and arguing with my grandma."
"But after this recent news, I realize I'm way more put together than Dan."
Powell hid his love of power rankings from his family for years, before a friend approached his wife saying he was concerned for his health.
"You can never prepare yourself for that phone call," his wife Doris said. "He would always tell me he was going up to our study to check the stock market. But now to find out that the whole time he was infecting his brain with that nonsense completely kills the trust we had."
He has promised his wife that he will seek help, but experts widely regard the condition as incurable.