The Elbow staff
CHICAGO, IL – After lighting incense and arranging candles in a large circle in the living room of the abandoned house, Blackhawks general manager Stan Bowman sat down cross-legged in the middle of the circle.
Holding his hands in prayer amidst the light, he said the magic words and began talking directly to the Greek god Dolos.
"Protect me from the earthly confines of the salary cap," he pleaded to the mythological being. "Thou hast given me the ability to dodgeth and weaveth through the laws handed down to the league's commissioner."
"Help me find a way to corral yet another unobtainable and unaffordable player, while deviating around the dreaded rules."
According to neighbours, Bowman has been performing the ceremony every night since taking over from Dale Tallon in 2009.
With virtually no room in the team's salary cap, ever, the general manager has had to find other ways to continuously ice a line-up of superstars.
"It got pretty noisy there in the lead up to Panarin's contract extension," Terry Jaffe, who lives a couple of houses down, said. "Lights were flashing, and it sounded like he was sacrificing a cat."
"But whatever he's doing seems to be working, so there's no way I'm calling the ASPCA."
While the tactic has worked for the most part, it hasn't been without problems.
According to sources in the Blackhawks organization, Bowman accidentally spoke to Koalemos in the nights leading up to trade that sent Trevor Daley to Pittsburgh for Rob Scuderi.
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