Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

The Elbow staff

Image: Annie Devine

DALLAS, TX – With the NHL trade deadline under a week away, a number of teams aiming to make the playoffs are clamouring to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard from the Stars. 

Toronto and Florida are two such teams with young, high-end talent completely unqualified to grow any post-season facial hair.

We know that Lou [Lamoriello] has his own feelings about facial hair," Maple Leafs president Brendan Shanahan said today. "But I've asked him to set aside his 1920s morals."

"In order to be a legitimate playoff threat, we need to go out there and get some real bearded talent."

Florida general manager Tom Rowe said that his top six forwards desperately need a beard like Eaves'.

"Look at these guys," he said, "Barkov, Huberdeau, Bjugstad...not a pube between them. They all look like 12-year-old boys."

"As far as we're concerned, Patrick Eaves is the best player on the market in that regard. He's our number one target."

At press time, Toronto's Auston Matthews and William Nylander were spotted stocking up on Just For Men Moustache & Beard, hoping to darken what little fuzz they do have as the post-season fast approaches.

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