Paul Blart hired to lead investigation into Crosby slash

The Elbow staff

OTTAWA, ON – Citing an impressive resume taking down bad guys in crime-ridden New Jersey, the Senators today announced that Paul Blart has been hired to investigate the Crosby slash on defenceman Marc Methot.

Blart and his team will be charged with the responsibility of putting together a dossier on the Penguins captain to document his intentions behind the slash that will keep Methot in the press box for the next few weeks. The committee plans on presenting its findings to NHL brass next week.

"It's not every day that you get access to one of the greatest investigative minds in the world," a spokesman for the Senators said on Sunday morning. "We plan on putting Blart to work to prove Crosby's nefarious intentions to the rest of the league."

"The NHL was unwilling to hear our testimony into Matt Cooke's heinous crimes committed against Erik Karlsson in 2013, but that was our fault for hiring Barry Zuckerkorn to build that case."

Blart has reportedly requested one week's leave from his job at the West Orange Pavilion Mall while the investigation takes place.

Updates to come.

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