The Elbow staff
BOSTON, MA – Sitting dangerously close to Sidney Crosby for the league lead in goals, Bruins forward Brad Marchand redeemed himself on Tuesday night by spearing Lightning forward Jake Dotchin so hard that eyewitnesses say he left the ground for a few seconds.
The pesky forward had become increasingly frustrated after earning himself a regrettable reputation as a legitimate hockey player this season, so he sought to put an end to such dangerous notoriety with one of his favourite moves.
"I've been unfairly vilified by the media this season," Marchand said in a statement on Wednesday. "There have been too many stories calling me a 'natural goalscorer' and 'skilled player'. After a while, that can wear you down."
"Getting called to the World Championships and World Cup of Hockey in the same year was the first straw, and now being in the hunt to win the Rocket Richard Trophy was the last."
"I couldn't have my name smeared like that any longer."
To make sure that fans thought he wasn't going soft with the spear alone, Marchand followed up by poking Dotchin in the face with his stick while writhing around on the ice in agony.
With the Bruins fighting for playoff position in the Atlantic division, sources inside the NHL say that Marchand's actions will be derided publicly by the league, and he will be fined the cost of a nice dinner for two.