The Elbow staff
PHILADELPHIA, PA – The Flyers today revealed that they have developed a human-robot hybrid goaltender capable of completely shutting out the abuse and torment lobbed at them by hometown crowds.
The hybrids have been tested under some of the most stressful conditions available to humans, with the latest models surviving all tests with flying colours.
They are equipped with all of the regular skills of human goaltenders, but the part of the brain affected by invective and mocking chants after giving up two goals at home is completely shut down.
"We've run these guys through some incredibly harsh and abusive testing conditions, including working the overnight shift at McDonald's, meeting Gordon Ramsay in real life, and walking through the streets of Detroit at any hour," Flyers general manager Ron Hextall said.
"We even tested their abilities to withstand complete mental devastation by programming them to wake up believing they had been traded to the Canucks. Not one of them broke down."
Each model – from the prototypes to the final product – was developed in a petri dish and harvested underwater for five years before the intensive training began.
The goaltender chosen to be the one will also be fitted with an extensive knowledge of, and appreciation for, the cosmos.