The Elbow staff
CHICAGO, IL – Looking to revamp their ice crew with some fresh blood, the Blackhawks began tryouts for male personnel today.
On-ice activities tested skating skills and the ability to shovel snow, with particular focus centring on the attractiveness of the applicants.
"Too muscly. Too much hair on this one's head. Too good looking," Director of Ice Crew operations, Jerry Swisher said as applicants skated by his seat in the stands. "Can someone just get me some real uglies, already?"
"I'm sick of these goddamn male models."
The team had approximately 250 applicants attend the tryout session after posting flyers in libraries across the Chicago metropolitan area.
"The Blackhawks are looking for quiet and independent go-getters to be a part of our 2017-18 Ice Crew," the ad read. "If you are a guy aged 21-26, with bland, uninteresting looks that can't catch anyone’s eye, apply today!"
The team asked that applicants wear long-sleeved t-shirts and pants, to ensure that no pasty sun-deprived skin was exposed.
"The hope for us is that when these guys are out on the ice, fans won't even know that they're there," scout Sam Gibbons told reporters. "Many years ago, we had guys who you'd describe as 'conventionally good looking', but we found it just took away from the overall product."
"We'd like our men on the crew to be neither seen nor heard."
According to sources, up to 10 women from last year’s ice crew were exterminated today after reaching their expiry age of 23.