The Elbow staff
CAMBRIDGE, MA – An extensive study undertaken by researchers at Harvard University has been published, revealing stunning findings about fans of other hockey teams.
The research group of 30 graduate students, led by Dr. Simon Broderick, concluded that opposition fans are almost exclusively uneducated degenerates who know very little about the game of hockey.
"Approximately 75 per cent of opposition supporters are unlikely to know what icing is," Broderick told reporters today. "Or for that matter, what any of the rules of the game are."
"92 per cent of opposition fans we studied admitted to not having any idea what an F3 is."
"These fans of other teams are intellectually challenged in more ways than one."
Broderick said that opposition fans also exhibited psychopathic tendencies, with an unwavering ability to openly cheer for some of the complete douchebags on their team.
Conversely, the study found that fans of your team continue to display more thought and reason than anyone in the game, including current management.
"You and your fellow fans are really switched on," the study concluded. "The ability of your brethren to identify good plays and underappreciated players is second to none."
The researchers also found that fans of other teams exhibit many very questionable sexual preferences.
"One of the most astonishing things we found was that just over 75 percent of opposition supporters were more likely to be attracted to their mothers than supporters of your team," Broderick said.
"The amount of people who prefer their mothers as sexual partners on opposition teams is astoundingly high. We're talking about some truly messed up creeps."