Scientists confirm link between walking on locker room logos and losing records

Scientists confirm link between walking on locker room logos and losing records

TORONTO, ON – Scientists at the University of Toronto today confirmed that there is an "absolutely quantifiable" link between teams whose players walk on locker room logos and the amount of years spent out of the playoffs.

The study found that between 1992 and 2016, every NHL team that made the playoffs had a less than five percent "walk-over rate". The teams with the longest current playoff droughts – Edmonton and Carolina – have committed the most amount of walk overs in the past 10 years.

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NHLPA tells players to start using "at this time of the season" in interviews

NHLPA tells players to start using "at this time of the season" in interviews

TORONTO, ON – A league-wide memo has been sent out by the NHL Players' Association encouraging all players to begin using the line "at this time of the season" when being interviewed by the media.

The letter obtained by The Elbow says that despite the fact that the playoffs are still three months away, now is the time to pretend like every game matters.

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Sens forward trying to make 'Dzingel' into a catchphrase

Sens forward trying to make 'Dzingel' into a catchphrase

OTTAWA, ON – Senators forward Ryan Dzingel has reportedly spent the last two months trying to convince his teammates to use his surname as their newest locker room catchphrase.

The 24-year-old insists it has nothing to do with his obsession with TV show The Big Bang Theory, saying he just thinks Dzingel sounds super cool and he's heard other people use it.

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Pittsburgh formally applies to change name to Pengwins

Pittsburgh formally applies to change name to Pengwins

PITTSBURGH, PA – Penguins owners Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle today announced that they have formally begun the process to change the team's name to the Pittsburgh Pengwins.

Citing their recent Stanley Cup win and a need reinforce the team's desire to remain successful, the two men said a name change is necessary.

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Debilitating superstitions force Sidney Crosby to retire

Debilitating superstitions force Sidney Crosby to retire

PITTSBURGH, PA – NHL superstar Sidney Crosby has announced his immediate retirement from hockey after succumbing to several debilitating superstitions.

The 29-year-old's shock decision comes after two decades of dealing with the condition. According to teammates, he has missed the start of every pre-game skate for the past 21 years.

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As victims pile up, RCMP issues Canada-wide arrest warrant for Shea Weber

MONTREAL, QC – The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) today announced that it has issued a Canada-wide arrest warrant for Montreal Canadiens defenceman Shea Weber. 

The veteran blueliner is wanted for a spate of recent attacks on men, all in the 18-35 age range, who have suffered serious injuries as a result of being caught in the crossfire of a deadly weapon.

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OHL hires Queen's Guards to patrol ice for streakers

OHL hires Queen's Guards to patrol ice for streakers

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Ontario Hockey League commissioner David Branch today announced that the league would be employing members of the Queen's Guard for the remainder of the season to patrol the ice to discourage streakers.

The unusual move came after a CHL commission was opened after a fan jumped the glass back in October, running from one end of the rink to the other before being escorted off by referees.

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27-year-old minor league goaltender basically kidding himself at this point

27-year-old minor league goaltender basically kidding himself at this point

GLENROCK, WY – Every single person involved with the Glenrock Knights confirmed on Friday that they think goaltender Jimmy Rohan is lying to himself if he thinks he's got any chance at ever playing pro hockey.

The 27-year-old boasts an .865 save percentage and 4.25 goals against average through 20 appearances over four years with the team. He is yet to post a win.

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Blues players excited to finally get their turn looking cool in eye black

Blues players excited to finally get their turn looking cool in eye black

ST. LOUIS, MO – Members of the St. Louis Blues today announced that they will make the most of their opportunity to finally wear eye black at today's Winter Classic game.

With this being the franchise's first outdoor game in its history, players feel that their turn to look cool sporting the black grease is long overdue.

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Heartbreak for family as teen diagnosed as an Avalanche fan

Heartbreak for family as teen diagnosed as an Avalanche fan

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Two local parents have been rocked by the tragic news that their teenage son has been diagnosed as a Colorado Avalanche fan.

Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical Center informed Gary and Linda Hickey on Saturday that their sad, brooding 14-year-old was suffering the debilitating affliction.

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Local family still not completely sick of outdoor NHL games

Local family still not completely sick of outdoor NHL games

THORNHILL, ON – The Burns family today announced that they are very excited to watch yet another round of outdoor games as the new year approaches.

With tickets to Toronto's game against Detroit at BMO Field on Sunday, the family of four say they are still not completely sick and tired of the spectacle.

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Dad still struggling to justify gifting All-Star game tickets​ for Christmas

Dad still struggling to justify gifting All-Star game tickets​ for Christmas

LOS ANGELES, CA – A local father of two is still trying to convince himself that purchasing All-Star game tickets as a Christmas present for he and his nine-year-old son was a good decision.

Todd Harvey, 36, said that his boy had mentioned something in passing about the All-Star game vote in early December. With Christmas fast approaching and no other ideas on what to buy, he decided to pull the trigger on the tickets.

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Detroit fan insists he has always been interested in World Juniors

Detroit fan insists he has always been interested in World Juniors

BAGLEY, MI – A Detroit-area man today revealed to his buddies that he has always been a big fan of watching the World Junior Championships.

While watching the game between Switzerland and the Czech Republic, William Moss insisted that the Red Wings' likelihood of picking high in the NHL draft had absolutely nothing to do with his current interest in the competition.

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Make-A-Wish kid fails to impress in practice

Make-A-Wish kid fails to impress in practice

VANCOUVER, BC – Simon Porter, a five-year-old suffering from terminal brain cancer, has failed to impress Vancouver Canucks coaching staff in his first practice session after signing a one-day Make-A-Wish contract this morning.

The right winger for the Maple Ridge Seahawks mini mites team was described as a lethargic and lazy skater with below-average puckhandling skills.

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Panthers to broadcast bingo on jumbotron during games

Panthers to broadcast bingo on jumbotron during games

SUNRISE, FL – In the hopes of attracting fans to the BB&T Center to boost dwindling attendance numbers, the Panthers today announced that they will be broadcasting bingo on the jumbotron during games for the rest of the season.

As part of the campaign, fans will receive a bingo card, a dauber, and a coupon for unlimited soda upon entry to the arena. Approximately half of the existing seats in the lower bowl will be removed in order to accommodate the expected influx of motorized scooters.

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Media insists it always loved and respected Tortorella

Media insists it always loved and respected Tortorella

VANCOUVER, BC – Journalists and editors around the league were scrambling to save face on Sunday night, insisting that they've always thought John Tortorella was a great coach. 

In all of the major cities from coast to coast, a loud beeping could be heard as every newsroom across the continent reversed on its go-to narrative about the Blue Jackets bench boss.

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Injuries force Lightning to play Boyle as a real forward

Injuries force Lightning to play Boyle as a real forward

EDMONTON, AB – Thanks to yet another injury in their top six, the Lightning had their hands forced into a difficult roster move prior to their game against the Oilers on Saturday.

After announcing earlier this week that both Nikita Kucherov and Ondrej Palat would be out day-to-day, the team was put in the unfortunate position of asking Brian Boyle to contribute on the scoresheet.

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Patrik Lainebot 2900 in for repairs after scoring malfunction against Edmonton

Patrik Lainebot 2900 in for repairs after scoring malfunction against Edmonton

WINNIPEG, MB – After scoring a game-losing own goal on Sunday night, the Winnipeg Jets’ Patrik Lainebot 2900 was back in the laboratory for repairs on Monday due to what team officials are calling a “minor technical bug” in the robot’s programming.

Lainebot 2900, a 206-pound state-of-the-art android designed to resemble an 18-year-old Finnish right winger, was performing well beyond the Jets’ expectations, having scored 17 goals in 32 games to start the season.

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