Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

DALLAS, TX – With the NHL trade deadline under a week away, a number of teams aiming to make the playoffs are clamouring to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard from the Stars. 

Toronto and Florida are two such teams with young, high-end talent completely unqualified to grow any post-season facial hair.

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Babcock to scratch Matthews if he keeps being forced to enjoy his job

Babcock to scratch Matthews if he keeps being forced to enjoy his job

TORONTO, ON – Maple Leafs head coach Mike Babcock today said that he would not hesitate to send star rookie Auston Matthews to the press box if he keeps being forced to enjoy highlight-reel plays by the forward.

The harsh words came after the 19-year-old scored one of the goals of the season, forcing the coach to purse his lips and force a smile down on the bench.

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NHL to release Braille edition of rule book for officials

NHL to release Braille edition of rule book for officials

NEW YORK, NY – NHL commissioner Gary Bettman today announced that the league will be releasing a Braille edition of the NHL rule book, allowing its officials to read it for the first time.

The move comes after a recent report was published by the American Optometric Association, revealing that 100 percent of the league's officials are legally blind.

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Sharks' Burns and Thornton will shave beards to make nice rug

Sharks' Burns and Thornton will shave beards to make nice rug

SAN JOSE, CA – Sharks teammates Brent Burns and Joe Thornton today announced that they will be combining their powers in the summer, by shaving off their beards to make a nice Persian-style rug.

While the design is still yet to be confirmed by the pair, it is believed that they have enough hair for a 6-foot by 3-foot floor covering.

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Stan Bowman prays to Dolos for guidance at trade deadline

Stan Bowman prays to Dolos for guidance at trade deadline

CHICAGO, IL – After lighting incense and arranging candles in a large circle in the living room of the abandoned house, Blackhawks general manager Stan Bowman sat down cross-legged in the middle of the circle.

Holding his hands in prayer amidst the light, he said the magic words and began talking directly to the Greek god Dolos.

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Quebec City journalist celebrates writing 1,000th relocation article

Quebec City journalist celebrates writing 1,000th relocation article

QUEBEC CITY, QC – Local journalist René Lacquort today celebrated writing his 1,000th article about possible relocation of an NHL team to his home town of Quebec City.

Lacquort's work has featured heavily in the Quebec Chronice-Telegraph and Le Journal de Québec since 2002.

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Lundqvist celebrates milestone by treating himself to photo shoot

Lundqvist celebrates milestone by treating himself to photo shoot

NEW YORK, NY – Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist last night became the fastest player in NHL history to notch up his 400th career win. In doing so, he became only the 12th player to reach the milestone.

According to sources in New York, the "King" celebrated the only way he knows how: by treating himself to an impromptu photo shoot with GQ Magazine.

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Man burning effigy of Kevin Cheveldayoff says he's just happy the Jets are back

Man burning effigy of Kevin Cheveldayoff says he's just happy the Jets are back

WINNIPEG, MB – Local man Ryan Tucker took a break from poking the burning effigy of Kevin Cheveldayoff on Saturday morning to say that he's really happy hockey is back in Winnipeg.

The lifelong Jets fan said the last six seasons had been a dream come true for him and his sons, as he searched around his backyard for more lighter fluid.

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Sweeney: Julien fired for failing to overcome Sweeney's incompetence

Sweeney: Julien fired for failing to overcome Sweeney's incompetence

BOSTON, MA – Bruins head coach Claude Julien was fired on Tuesday morning, after being unable to make up for a slew of poor trades and signings, general manager Don Sweeney said.

According to the Bruins' boss, Julien lacked the astronomical skill and coaching talent required to overcome some of his own abhorrent misgivings.

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Blue Jackets plan parade after Penguins acknowledge rivalry

Blue Jackets plan parade after Penguins acknowledge rivalry

COLUMBUS, OH – The Blue Jackets are going on parade!

The team has put plans in place for a full ticker tape parade through downtown Columbus this Wednesday, after the Pittsburgh Penguins officially acknowledged them as a rival. 

The parade will feature all members of the organization in a celebration that team officials are calling a win for the entire city.

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Local dilapidated arena denies Islanders request to move in

Local dilapidated arena denies Islanders request to move in

NEW YORK, NY – The Staten Island Skate Palace, a local ice arena that seats 2,000 patrons, has rejected up to 15 requests from the New York Islanders to play regular season NHL games there.

With the Barclays Center potentially opting out of its lease agreement with the team at the end of the 2018-19 season, reports indicate that the Islanders have been frantically calling local arenas about signing a long-term lease.

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New All-Star challenge to test players' abilities to hide concussion symptoms

New All-Star challenge to test players' abilities to hide concussion symptoms

NEW YORK, NY – The NHL today unveiled the newest skills-based competition that will feature at this weekend's All-Star game.

The Concussion Challenge will give each competitor five minutes to effectively mask concussion symptoms following a devastating head hit to the head from one of two defencemen.

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Scientists confirm link between walking on locker room logos and losing records

Scientists confirm link between walking on locker room logos and losing records

TORONTO, ON – Scientists at the University of Toronto today confirmed that there is an "absolutely quantifiable" link between teams whose players walk on locker room logos and the amount of years spent out of the playoffs.

The study found that between 1992 and 2016, every NHL team that made the playoffs had a less than five percent "walk-over rate". The teams with the longest current playoff droughts – Edmonton and Carolina – have committed the most amount of walk overs in the past 10 years.

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NHLPA tells players to start using "at this time of the season" in interviews

NHLPA tells players to start using "at this time of the season" in interviews

TORONTO, ON – A league-wide memo has been sent out by the NHL Players' Association encouraging all players to begin using the line "at this time of the season" when being interviewed by the media.

The letter obtained by The Elbow says that despite the fact that the playoffs are still three months away, now is the time to pretend like every game matters.

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Sens forward trying to make 'Dzingel' into a catchphrase

Sens forward trying to make 'Dzingel' into a catchphrase

OTTAWA, ON – Senators forward Ryan Dzingel has reportedly spent the last two months trying to convince his teammates to use his surname as their newest locker room catchphrase.

The 24-year-old insists it has nothing to do with his obsession with TV show The Big Bang Theory, saying he just thinks Dzingel sounds super cool and he's heard other people use it.

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Pittsburgh formally applies to change name to Pengwins

Pittsburgh formally applies to change name to Pengwins

PITTSBURGH, PA – Penguins owners Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle today announced that they have formally begun the process to change the team's name to the Pittsburgh Pengwins.

Citing their recent Stanley Cup win and a need reinforce the team's desire to remain successful, the two men said a name change is necessary.

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Debilitating superstitions force Sidney Crosby to retire

Debilitating superstitions force Sidney Crosby to retire

PITTSBURGH, PA – NHL superstar Sidney Crosby has announced his immediate retirement from hockey after succumbing to several debilitating superstitions.

The 29-year-old's shock decision comes after two decades of dealing with the condition. According to teammates, he has missed the start of every pre-game skate for the past 21 years.

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