TORONTO, ON – With the Maple Leafs' playoff run coming to an end on Sunday night, forward James van Riemsdyk announced that he has hired a surrogate to spend the summer chewing his trademark green mouthguard.
The surrogate – a part-time accountant from Toronto – will be required to spend at least two hours a day with the piece in his mouth.
Read MoreMONTREAL, QC – After a career-worst zero points through six playoffs games, it appears as if Carey Price's days as a Canadiens player are numbered.
Despite being one of his team's highest paid players, Price was able to muster absolutely no offence whatsoever through six games against the Rangers.
Read MoreBUFFALO, NY – The drama in the Sabres organization continued on Thursday afternoon, as a beloved arena hot dog vendor was relieved of his duties after a scathing Yelp review believed to have been written by forward Jack Eichel.
The news of the hot dog guy came hours after Tim Murray and Dan Bylsma were axed this morning, turning confusion and elation into devastation among fans.
Read MoreCOLUMBUS, OH – Human rights organization Amnesty International has joined forces with the United Nations to try putting an end to the carnage in Columbus following last night's overtime loss against the Penguins.
The UN deployed 200 of an expected 1,000 peacekeepers in and around Nationwide Arena today. They will be charged with discouraging the brutal slaughter orchestrated by head coach Mike Sullivan on the unsuspecting Blue Jackets.
Read MoreEDMONTON, AB – The Oilers today announced that fans who come within a one kilometre radius of Rogers Place will be charged for breathing in that glorious playoff air.
A barricade has been set up in a large circle around the arena, with team officials occupying 12 select entrances where fans can enter the "Playoff Zone". Patrons must pay $10 to access 20 minutes of the air.
Read MoreOTTAWA, ON – With the NHL continuing to enforce its unwritten rule of not calling penalties during the playoffs, Zdeno Chara has gotten away with stabbing numerous Senators players in game one of their first round series.
Chara was spotted impaling an estimated five Ottawa players throughout the course of the game, prior to initiating a knife fight with defenceman Mark Borowiecki.
Read MoreTORONTO, ON – Spencer J. McFurthy, managing partner at Wentworth, Tomothy & Vineyard LLP today took the undignified step of selling his second Aston Martin in order to purchase Maple Leafs playoff tickets.
McFurthy, who has been a loyal fan of the team for weeks, said that the game had started to get out of reach for normal people like him.
Read MoreSUNRISE, FL – After steering the Panthers to their first losing record in three seasons, Tom Rowe has been promoted from general manager and interim head coach to the new role of Special Helper in the organization.
Dale Tallon – his replacement as GM – today said that the interim coach had done an excellent job despite his obvious lack of knowledge or skill in the area.
Read MoreDETROIT, MI – After enjoying nearly 40 years of Red Wings hockey at the Joe Louis Arena, the building's resident apparition has admitted that he will not miss the storied tradition of fans throwing octopi onto the ice.
In a candid interview with The Elbow, the spirit today admitted that he had become disgusted by the constant lingering fishy smell caused by the eight-legged sea creatures in his home.
Read MoreSUNRISE, FL – In a sharp shift from the brutal initiation process that first gamers have been subjected to in the past, the Buffalo Sabres decided not to force Sean Malone to skate onto the ice to do a lap on his own before Saturday's game against Florida.
Instead, they all skated onto the ice together and participated in the usual pre-game warm-up, saving the first-gamer from potential life-ruining embarrassment.
Read MoreBOSTON, MA – Sitting dangerously close to Sidney Crosby for the league lead in goals, Bruins forward Brad Marchand redeemed himself on Tuesday night by spearing Lightning forward Jake Dotchin so hard that eyewitnesses say he left the ground for a few seconds.
The pesky forward had become increasingly frustrated after earning himself a regrettable reputation as a legitimate hockey player this season, so he sought to put an end to such dangerous notoriety with one of his favourite moves.
Read MoreNEW YORK, NY – Eager to expand its fanbase in traditional NFL markets, the NHL today announced that it will be taking steps to increase the frequency of stoppages and coach's challenges next season.
A spokesman for the league said the test run of coach's offside challenges over the past two seasons has been a huge success.
Read MorePITTSBURGH, PA – According to several eyewitnesses at the Penguins-Blackhawks game on Wednesday evening, an unidentified third forward was sighted on Chicago's second line alongside Patrick Kane and Artemi Panarin.
The sighting, and subsequent testimony of fans in attendance, contradicts all game logs and statistics taken this season. No records indicate that the two players have played with anyone else on their line.
Read MoreDETROIT, MI – With Little Caesars Arena just six months away from openings its doors to the public for the first time, city council members are set to discuss one of the most important issues in Detroit's storied history.
The nine members of council will be putting forth their arguments regarding whether or not the structure is still arena if it has pineapple on top.
Read MoreDENVER, CO – Avalanche head coach Jared Bednar today said that despite his team's horrendous record on the ice this season, he is very proud of their progress in the lead up to the national air hockey championships in May.
With his team fighting against the gruelling NHL schedule, the first year bench boss says they have made improving their air game a priority.
Read MoreOTTAWA, ON – Citing an impressive resume taking down bad guys in crime-ridden New Jersey, the Senators today announced that Paul Blart has been hired to investigate the Crosby slash on defenceman Marc Methot.
Blart and his team will be charged with the responsibility of putting together a dossier on the Penguins captain to document his intentions behind the slash that will keep Methot in the press box for the next few weeks. The committee plans on presenting its findings to NHL brass next week.
Read MoreNEW YORK, NY – According to viewers who watched NBCSN's Wednesday Night Rivalry game last night, the network made the bizarre decision to air a contest between two teams who are legitimate rivals.
The game reportedly featured the New York Rangers and New York Islanders, who faced off in their 340th game against one another since the latter joined the NHL in 1972.
Read MoreNASHVILLE, TN – Predators head coach Peter Laviolette was reportedly heard saying today that his favourite part of the job is challenging offsides after opposing teams score.
The veteran bench boss said the excitement that he gets from a coach's challenge is unlike any other play in hockey, and that before the league introduced the rule last season, he wouldn't do much during games.
Read MoreHOUSTON, TX – Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) confirmed on Monday morning that the Earth's place in the solar system remained unchanged over the weekend, despite Josh Ho-Sang's decision to wear Mario Lemieux's old number 66 last week.
Thousands of people voiced their concern for the state of the world when the Islanders' rookie made his decision public on Thursday.
Read MoreNEW YORK, NY – The Rangers announced on Sunday that they had recalled utility Tanner Glass from the AHL after the shock departure of the team's long-time skate sharpener.
Al Turner, the ten-year veteran, decided to step away from his position on Saturday, effective immediately, putting the team in the tough spot of needing to replace him before heading down to Tampa Bay for tomorrow's game.
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