Chara to undergo surgery to complete stretching

Chara to undergo surgery to complete stretching

BOSTON, MA – Bruins captain Zdeno Chara is set to miss the next two months as he completes the final stages of his stretching to be medically deemed a 'giant'.

Chara, who without these procedures would stand just 4'10" tall, has been undergoing stretching of his bones, muscles and skin to increase his height since the age of 11.

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Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

OTTAWA, ON – With the NHL continuing to enforce its unwritten rule of not calling penalties during the playoffs, Zdeno Chara has gotten away with stabbing numerous Senators players in game one of their first round series.

Chara was spotted impaling an estimated five Ottawa players throughout the course of the game, prior to initiating a knife fight with defenceman Mark Borowiecki.

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Fed up with growing reputation as legitimate hockey player, Brad Marchand takes matters into his own hands

Fed up with growing reputation as legitimate hockey player, Brad Marchand takes matters into his own hands

BOSTON, MA – Sitting dangerously close to Sidney Crosby for the league lead in goals, Bruins forward Brad Marchand redeemed himself on Tuesday night by spearing Lightning forward Jake Dotchin so hard that eyewitnesses say he left the ground for a few seconds.

The pesky forward had become increasingly frustrated after earning himself a regrettable reputation as a legitimate hockey player this season, so he sought to put an end to such dangerous notoriety with one of his favourite moves.

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Sweeney: Julien fired for failing to overcome Sweeney's incompetence

Sweeney: Julien fired for failing to overcome Sweeney's incompetence

BOSTON, MA – Bruins head coach Claude Julien was fired on Tuesday morning, after being unable to make up for a slew of poor trades and signings, general manager Don Sweeney said.

According to the Bruins' boss, Julien lacked the astronomical skill and coaching talent required to overcome some of his own abhorrent misgivings.

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Gillette Stadium staff bracing for major influx of Canadians

Gillette Stadium staff bracing for major influx of Canadians

FOXBOROUGH, MA – Arena staff at the home of the New England Patriots have been working feverishly to prepare for the  20,000 Canadian hockey fans expected to attend Friday's Winter Classic.

Normally used to dealing with a crowd made up of 95% American spectators, arena personnel have undergone exhaustive testing and education programs to learn how to deal with the well-mannered neighbours.

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