Senators set focus on winning Chevrolet Good Deeds Cup

Senators set focus on winning Chevrolet Good Deeds Cup

OTTAWA, ON – On the eve of the new NHL season, the Ottawa Senators today announced that they would be shifting their focus towards winning Chevrolet's Good Deeds Cup rather than the more traditional goal of the Stanley Cup.

The team believes the competition — which puts an emphasis on charity rather than winning — is a far more achievable goal that suits their style of play.

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Complete random believes he earned his day with the Stanley Cup

Complete random believes he earned his day with the Stanley Cup

HEMINGFORD, NE – Pittsburgh Penguins assistant manager of bookkeeping, Terry Law today got what he firmly believes is his well-deserved day with the Stanley Cup.

The reclusive numbers guy spent 20 minutes sitting with the cup on a park bench this afternoon before taking it to his basement apartment to watch Breaking Bad reruns.

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Local man swears off hockey after "rigged" cup final

Local man swears off hockey after "rigged" cup final

PHILADELPHIA, PA – A local man has today disavowed the entire National Hockey League after witnessing what he described as "a bigger cover-up than Watergate" in Pittsburgh's 2-0 win over Nashville on Sunday night.

Tony Bermini, a 23-year-old Flyers fan, announced in a 1,000 word letter on Facebook that he would be taking his support to another league.

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Local catfish can't wait for children to see his guts spilled out on national TV

Local catfish can't wait for children to see his guts spilled out on national TV

NASHVILLE, TN – Sitting on a dock along the Cumberland River, Norman Lewis has only one thing on his mind ahead of Sunday's game six.

"It'd be a great shame to be wasted on a plate," the 24-year-old catfish told The Elbow. "If I had one wish as I lie here, struggling to breathe, it would be that my carcass is snuck into Bridgestone arena under a sweaty man's jersey, flung 20 metres over peoples' heads and onto the ice."

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Country singer waiting for her big chance to butcher U.S. national anthem

Country singer waiting for her big chance to butcher U.S. national anthem

FRANKLIN, TN – Up-and-coming country singer Taylor Tucker today revealed that she is keenly awaiting her moment to mutilate the Star-Spangled Banner in the Stanley Cup Final.

After watching Martina McBride and Dierks Bentley force words out of their mouths to the tune the anthem before the past two games, she believes she is ready for her opportunity.

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Mayors of Nashville and Pittsburgh make bet; loser to wear Avalanche gear for a week

Mayors of Nashville and Pittsburgh make bet; loser to wear Avalanche gear for a week

PITTSBURGH, PA – As is tradition, the mayors of the two teams competing in the Stanley Cup Final have made a friendly bet regarding the outcome of the series.

Nashville's mayor, Megan Barry, alongside Bill Peduto of Pittsburgh spoke to the media outside PPG Paints Arena this afternoon to announce the terms of the arrangement.

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Overwhelming support for Predators taking an emotional toll on Penguins

Overwhelming support for Predators taking an emotional toll on Penguins

PITTSBURGH, PA – As Nashville prepares to face off against Pittsburgh in their first Stanley Cup Final in team history next week, they have been the recipients of overwhelming support from neutral fans throughout the league.

So much so, that several Penguins players have admitted that the immense bandwagon support for their opponents – and lack of neutral support for them – has begun to hurt their feelings.

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League suspends Ryan Johansen for not wearing suit to game

League suspends Ryan Johansen for not wearing suit to game

NASHVILLE, TN – Predators forward Ryan Johansen has been suspended for the first ten games of the 2017-18 season after failing to arrive at his team's game six matchup against the Ducks wearing the correct attire.

League rules mandate that all players wear suits to games, regardless of if they're playing that evening or suffering from potentially life-threatening injuries. It's also preferred that they do something nice with their hair, as well.

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Wingels avoids suspension after ghosts of hockey past appear to Quintal

NEW YORK, NY – NHL Director of Player Safety, Stéphane Quintal today revealed that his department has chosen not to suspend Tommy Wingels after what he describes as a visit from the ghosts of hockey past.

The former NHL defenceman said the pair told him that his job was to uphold the rules laid down by the game's founding fathers 100 years ago, not to cave in to the current set of regulations.

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Police arrest Sens fans who planned to start new tradition by throwing senator's corpse onto the ice before game six

Police arrest Sens fans who planned to start new tradition by throwing senator's corpse onto the ice before game six

OTTAWA, ON – Four local men were arrested on Monday for planning to toss a dead senator over the glass and onto the ice before tomorrow's game six against Pittsburgh.

Hoping to start what they believed would be a new tradition for Senators playoff games, the group had dug up the grave of a former senator and dressed it in a team jersey.

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Neutral fan seeks professional help after being caught cheering for Anaheim

Neutral fan seeks professional help after being caught cheering for Anaheim

MONTREAL, QC – A local man today revealed that he has begun intense personality conversion therapy at his family's request, after being caught openly cheering for the Ducks against the Nashville Predators.

The Habs fan said he first noticed symptoms last Friday, but didn't reveal them to his loved ones until yesterday.

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Cardboard cutout of Brooks Orpik found in Pittsburgh dumpster; Game 5 replacement not yet named

Cardboard cutout of Brooks Orpik found in Pittsburgh dumpster; Game 5 replacement not yet named

PITTSBURGH, PA – Capitals blueliner Brooks Orpik has been spotted in a dumpster not far from the PPG Paints Arena on the morning of his team's game five contest against the Penguins.

The lifeless, rain-soaked cardboard cutout, who has played in all but three games for his team this season, was reportedly found by a waste management employee on Friday.

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Sens buy 5,000 leftover Zellers mannequins to fill empty seats

Sens buy 5,000 leftover Zellers mannequins to fill empty seats

KANATA, ON – With thousands of seats left unsold in Ottawa's game against New York on Thursday night, the team today announced that it has purchased leftover mannequins from Zellers to fill the empty space expected for game two.

The legless and headless dummies will be dressed in jerseys and hats from the arena's lost and found section.

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Price on trading block after going pointless in playoffs

Price on trading block after going pointless in playoffs

MONTREAL, QC –  After a career-worst zero points through six playoffs games, it appears as if Carey Price's days as a Canadiens player are numbered.

Despite being one of his team's highest paid players, Price was able to muster absolutely no offence whatsoever through six games against the Rangers.

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Amnesty International and United Nations team up to stop bloodshed in Columbus

Amnesty International and United Nations team up to stop bloodshed in Columbus

COLUMBUS, OH – Human rights organization Amnesty International has joined forces with the United Nations to try putting an end to the carnage in Columbus following last night's overtime loss against the Penguins.

The UN deployed 200 of an expected 1,000 peacekeepers in and around Nationwide Arena today. They will be charged with discouraging the brutal slaughter orchestrated by head coach Mike Sullivan on the unsuspecting Blue Jackets.

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Oilers charging fans to breathe in that playoff air

Oilers charging fans to breathe in that playoff air

EDMONTON, AB – The Oilers today announced that fans who come within a one kilometre radius of Rogers Place will be charged for breathing in that glorious playoff air.

A barricade has been set up in a large circle around the arena, with team officials occupying 12 select entrances where fans can enter the "Playoff Zone". Patrons must pay $10 to access 20 minutes of the air.

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Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

OTTAWA, ON – With the NHL continuing to enforce its unwritten rule of not calling penalties during the playoffs, Zdeno Chara has gotten away with stabbing numerous Senators players in game one of their first round series.

Chara was spotted impaling an estimated five Ottawa players throughout the course of the game, prior to initiating a knife fight with defenceman Mark Borowiecki.

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Bay Street lawyer sells second Aston Martin for Leafs playoff tickets

Bay Street lawyer sells second Aston Martin for Leafs playoff tickets

TORONTO, ON – Spencer J. McFurthy, managing partner at Wentworth, Tomothy & Vineyard LLP today took the undignified step of selling his second Aston Martin in order to purchase Maple Leafs playoff tickets.

McFurthy, who has been a loyal fan of the team for weeks, said that the game had started to get out of reach for normal people like him.

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Sharks to wear jersey patch honouring successful playoff campaign

Sharks to wear jersey patch honouring successful playoff campaign

SAN JOSE, CA – The San Jose Sharks today announced that they will be wearing a jersey patch this season to honour the first successful playoff campaign in franchise history

Despite losing to the eventual Stanley Cup champion Penguins in six games, the Sharks believe their road to the Finals is worthy of some serious recognition league-wide.

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Lactose intolerant Stanley Cup hospitalized after too much cereal

Lactose intolerant Stanley Cup hospitalized after too much cereal

PITTSBURGH, PA – The Stanley Cup's annual tour to hometowns of the NHL champions has been put on hold for at least two weeks.

According to sources travelling with the Cup, it was sent to hospital after suffering a severe reaction caused by consuming too much cereal milk.

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