The Elbow staff
PORTLAND, ME – Local man Lloyd Harper today announced via Facebook that he and his hockey pants have decided to part ways, mutually ending their 28-year relationship.
Harper, 47, was given the pants as a senior at Maine University, and held on to them as his career took him through the East Coast Hockey League, before settling in Maine's beer leagues.
According to friends, the two were inseparable in the early years.
"It was very much love at first sight," Lachlan Smith said. "They would spend almost every night together during the first two seasons."
"However, for the past ten years, we've all been telling him to let them go. A lot of us felt as if they weren't good for him anymore. They certainly weren't any good for our locker room."
Apparently the smell in Harper's garage had become so bad that the authorities were called multiple times after neighbours thought a body had been left to rot there.
Despite the fact that Harper, a talent-starved winger, was married to his high school sweetheart at 24, he continued the relationship with his hockey pants, often spending three to four evenings a week in dimly-lit arenas around the state.
A few weeks ago, his wife gave him an ultimatum to choose between her and the pants, prompting today's announcement.
"It is with great sorrow that the two of us have decided to end this amazing journey," he wrote on his Facebook page this morning. "Who knows if I'll still be able to offer so much to my team wearing some flashy new pants, but my hand has been forced."
According to reports, every single member of his team was overjoyed at the news, with all agreeing that his five goals each season would be happily sacrificed.