Air hockey championships keeping Avs motivated: Bednar

Air hockey championships keeping Avs motivated: Bednar

DENVER, CO – Avalanche head coach Jared Bednar today said that despite his team's horrendous record on the ice this season, he is very proud of their progress in the lead up to the national air hockey championships in May.

With his team fighting against the gruelling NHL schedule, the first year bench boss says they have made improving their air game a priority.

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Paul Blart hired to lead investigation into Crosby slash

OTTAWA, ON – Citing an impressive resume taking down bad guys in crime-ridden New Jersey, the Senators today announced that Paul Blart has been hired to investigate the Crosby slash on defenceman Marc Methot.

Blart and his team will be charged with the responsibility of putting together a dossier on the Penguins captain to document his intentions behind the slash that will keep Methot in the press box for the next few weeks. The committee plans on presenting its findings to NHL brass next week.

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'Wednesday Night Rivalry' features actual rivalry

'Wednesday Night Rivalry' features actual rivalry

NEW YORK, NY – According to viewers who watched NBCSN's Wednesday Night Rivalry game last night, the network made the bizarre decision to air a contest between two teams who are legitimate rivals.

The game reportedly featured the New York Rangers and New York Islanders, who faced off in their 340th game against one another since the latter joined the NHL in 1972.

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Offside challenge is coach's favourite part of the job

Offside challenge is coach's favourite part of the job

NASHVILLE, TN – Predators head coach Peter Laviolette was reportedly heard saying today that his favourite part of the job is challenging offsides after opposing teams score.

The veteran bench boss said the excitement that he gets from a coach's challenge is unlike any other play in hockey, and that before the league introduced the rule last season, he wouldn't do much during games.

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NASA confirms universe still operating smoothly despite Ho-Sang's jersey number choice

NASA confirms universe still operating smoothly despite Ho-Sang's jersey number choice

HOUSTON, TX – Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) confirmed on Monday morning that the Earth's place in the solar system remained unchanged over the weekend, despite Josh Ho-Sang's decision to wear Mario Lemieux's old number 66 last week.

Thousands of people voiced their concern for the state of the world when the Islanders' rookie made his decision public on Thursday.

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Rangers recall Glass following shock resignation of skate sharpener

Rangers recall Glass following shock resignation of skate sharpener

NEW YORK, NY – The Rangers announced on Sunday that they had recalled utility Tanner Glass from the AHL after the shock departure of the team's long-time skate sharpener.

Al Turner, the ten-year veteran, decided to step away from his position on Saturday, effective immediately, putting the team in the tough spot of needing to replace him before heading down to Tampa Bay for tomorrow's game.

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With no Leafs game, CBC to play 'Coronation Street' reruns instead of HNIC

With no Leafs game, CBC to play 'Coronation Street' reruns instead of HNIC

TORONTO, ON – The CBC announced this morning that it will be running repeats of this week's episodes of Coronation Street instead of the usual Hockey Night in Canada spot this evening.

After the Leafs closed out their three-game road trip in California last night, this will be just the second Saturday of the year in which they do not play.

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Mumps excited for chance with new team; hopes to be traded before deadline

Mumps excited for chance with new team; hopes to be traded before deadline

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After reaching career highs with the Vancouver Canucks and Minnesota Wild this season, the mumps is hoping to get moved to a team in the eastern conference before tomorrow's trade deadline.

Despite saying its number one preference would be to play alongside Sidney Crosby again, it said that it would accept a role on any team with a hope of making the playoffs.

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Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

DALLAS, TX – With the NHL trade deadline under a week away, a number of teams aiming to make the playoffs are clamouring to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard from the Stars. 

Toronto and Florida are two such teams with young, high-end talent completely unqualified to grow any post-season facial hair.

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Babcock to scratch Matthews if he keeps being forced to enjoy his job

Babcock to scratch Matthews if he keeps being forced to enjoy his job

TORONTO, ON – Maple Leafs head coach Mike Babcock today said that he would not hesitate to send star rookie Auston Matthews to the press box if he keeps being forced to enjoy highlight-reel plays by the forward.

The harsh words came after the 19-year-old scored one of the goals of the season, forcing the coach to purse his lips and force a smile down on the bench.

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NHL to release Braille edition of rule book for officials

NHL to release Braille edition of rule book for officials

NEW YORK, NY – NHL commissioner Gary Bettman today announced that the league will be releasing a Braille edition of the NHL rule book, allowing its officials to read it for the first time.

The move comes after a recent report was published by the American Optometric Association, revealing that 100 percent of the league's officials are legally blind.

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Sharks' Burns and Thornton will shave beards to make nice rug

Sharks' Burns and Thornton will shave beards to make nice rug

SAN JOSE, CA – Sharks teammates Brent Burns and Joe Thornton today announced that they will be combining their powers in the summer, by shaving off their beards to make a nice Persian-style rug.

While the design is still yet to be confirmed by the pair, it is believed that they have enough hair for a 6-foot by 3-foot floor covering.

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Stan Bowman prays to Dolos for guidance at trade deadline

Stan Bowman prays to Dolos for guidance at trade deadline

CHICAGO, IL – After lighting incense and arranging candles in a large circle in the living room of the abandoned house, Blackhawks general manager Stan Bowman sat down cross-legged in the middle of the circle.

Holding his hands in prayer amidst the light, he said the magic words and began talking directly to the Greek god Dolos.

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Quebec City journalist celebrates writing 1,000th relocation article

Quebec City journalist celebrates writing 1,000th relocation article

QUEBEC CITY, QC – Local journalist René Lacquort today celebrated writing his 1,000th article about possible relocation of an NHL team to his home town of Quebec City.

Lacquort's work has featured heavily in the Quebec Chronice-Telegraph and Le Journal de Québec since 2002.

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Lundqvist celebrates milestone by treating himself to photo shoot

Lundqvist celebrates milestone by treating himself to photo shoot

NEW YORK, NY – Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist last night became the fastest player in NHL history to notch up his 400th career win. In doing so, he became only the 12th player to reach the milestone.

According to sources in New York, the "King" celebrated the only way he knows how: by treating himself to an impromptu photo shoot with GQ Magazine.

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Man burning effigy of Kevin Cheveldayoff says he's just happy the Jets are back

Man burning effigy of Kevin Cheveldayoff says he's just happy the Jets are back

WINNIPEG, MB – Local man Ryan Tucker took a break from poking the burning effigy of Kevin Cheveldayoff on Saturday morning to say that he's really happy hockey is back in Winnipeg.

The lifelong Jets fan said the last six seasons had been a dream come true for him and his sons, as he searched around his backyard for more lighter fluid.

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Sweeney: Julien fired for failing to overcome Sweeney's incompetence

Sweeney: Julien fired for failing to overcome Sweeney's incompetence

BOSTON, MA – Bruins head coach Claude Julien was fired on Tuesday morning, after being unable to make up for a slew of poor trades and signings, general manager Don Sweeney said.

According to the Bruins' boss, Julien lacked the astronomical skill and coaching talent required to overcome some of his own abhorrent misgivings.

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