Wingels avoids suspension after ghosts of hockey past appear to Quintal

NEW YORK, NY – NHL Director of Player Safety, Stéphane Quintal today revealed that his department has chosen not to suspend Tommy Wingels after what he describes as a visit from the ghosts of hockey past.

The former NHL defenceman said the pair told him that his job was to uphold the rules laid down by the game's founding fathers 100 years ago, not to cave in to the current set of regulations.

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Police arrest Sens fans who planned to start new tradition by throwing senator's corpse onto the ice before game six

Police arrest Sens fans who planned to start new tradition by throwing senator's corpse onto the ice before game six

OTTAWA, ON – Four local men were arrested on Monday for planning to toss a dead senator over the glass and onto the ice before tomorrow's game six against Pittsburgh.

Hoping to start what they believed would be a new tradition for Senators playoff games, the group had dug up the grave of a former senator and dressed it in a team jersey.

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Neutral fan seeks professional help after being caught cheering for Anaheim

Neutral fan seeks professional help after being caught cheering for Anaheim

MONTREAL, QC – A local man today revealed that he has begun intense personality conversion therapy at his family's request, after being caught openly cheering for the Ducks against the Nashville Predators.

The Habs fan said he first noticed symptoms last Friday, but didn't reveal them to his loved ones until yesterday.

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Stars sign Bishop; begin search for fourth-string goaltender

Stars sign Bishop; begin search for fourth-string goaltender

DALLAS, TX – After officially signing Ben Bishop to a six-year, $29.5 million contract on Friday, Stars GM Jim Nill announced that he has ramped up the search for a fourth-string goaltender who can back up the backup's backup next season.

Netminders Kari Lehtonen and Antti Niemi struggled this season with the stress of not having enough insurance behind them. Nill said his number one goal this summer is shoring up the crease.

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Cardboard cutout of Brooks Orpik found in Pittsburgh dumpster; Game 5 replacement not yet named

Cardboard cutout of Brooks Orpik found in Pittsburgh dumpster; Game 5 replacement not yet named

PITTSBURGH, PA – Capitals blueliner Brooks Orpik has been spotted in a dumpster not far from the PPG Paints Arena on the morning of his team's game five contest against the Penguins.

The lifeless, rain-soaked cardboard cutout, who has played in all but three games for his team this season, was reportedly found by a waste management employee on Friday.

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Flyers construct prototype goaltender capable of withstanding hometown crowd abuse

Flyers construct prototype goaltender capable of withstanding hometown crowd abuse

PHILADELPHIA, PA – The Flyers today revealed that they have developed a human-robot hybrid goaltender capable of completely shutting out the abuse and torment lobbed at them by hometown crowds.

The hybrids have been tested under some of the most stressful conditions available to humans, with the latest models surviving all tests with flying colours.

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Sens buy 5,000 leftover Zellers mannequins to fill empty seats

Sens buy 5,000 leftover Zellers mannequins to fill empty seats

KANATA, ON – With thousands of seats left unsold in Ottawa's game against New York on Thursday night, the team today announced that it has purchased leftover mannequins from Zellers to fill the empty space expected for game two.

The legless and headless dummies will be dressed in jerseys and hats from the arena's lost and found section.

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Avalanche selling line of branded face paper bags

Avalanche selling line of branded face paper bags

DENVER, CO – The Colorado Avalanche today announced that they have released a new line of paper bags designed to cover fans' faces.

The bags range in price from $5.99 and $25.99 depending on size, and are now available at the official shop.nhl.com website, as well as the NHL store in New York City.

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James van Riemsdyk hires surrogate to chew mouthguard over the summer

James van Riemsdyk hires surrogate to chew mouthguard over the summer

TORONTO, ON – With the Maple Leafs' playoff run coming to an end on Sunday night, forward James van Riemsdyk announced that he has hired a surrogate to spend the summer chewing his trademark green mouthguard.

The surrogate – a part-time accountant from Toronto – will be required to spend at least two hours a day with the piece in his mouth.

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Price on trading block after going pointless in playoffs

Price on trading block after going pointless in playoffs

MONTREAL, QC –  After a career-worst zero points through six playoffs games, it appears as if Carey Price's days as a Canadiens player are numbered.

Despite being one of his team's highest paid players, Price was able to muster absolutely no offence whatsoever through six games against the Rangers.

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Sabres hot dog vendor relieved of duties after Eichel gives one-star Yelp rating

Sabres hot dog vendor relieved of duties after Eichel gives one-star Yelp rating

BUFFALO, NY – The drama in the Sabres organization continued on Thursday afternoon, as a beloved arena hot dog vendor was relieved of his duties after a scathing Yelp review believed to have been written by forward Jack Eichel.

The news of the hot dog guy came hours after Tim Murray and Dan Bylsma were axed this morning, turning confusion and elation into devastation among fans.

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Amnesty International and United Nations team up to stop bloodshed in Columbus

Amnesty International and United Nations team up to stop bloodshed in Columbus

COLUMBUS, OH – Human rights organization Amnesty International has joined forces with the United Nations to try putting an end to the carnage in Columbus following last night's overtime loss against the Penguins.

The UN deployed 200 of an expected 1,000 peacekeepers in and around Nationwide Arena today. They will be charged with discouraging the brutal slaughter orchestrated by head coach Mike Sullivan on the unsuspecting Blue Jackets.

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Oilers charging fans to breathe in that playoff air

Oilers charging fans to breathe in that playoff air

EDMONTON, AB – The Oilers today announced that fans who come within a one kilometre radius of Rogers Place will be charged for breathing in that glorious playoff air.

A barricade has been set up in a large circle around the arena, with team officials occupying 12 select entrances where fans can enter the "Playoff Zone". Patrons must pay $10 to access 20 minutes of the air.

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Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

OTTAWA, ON – With the NHL continuing to enforce its unwritten rule of not calling penalties during the playoffs, Zdeno Chara has gotten away with stabbing numerous Senators players in game one of their first round series.

Chara was spotted impaling an estimated five Ottawa players throughout the course of the game, prior to initiating a knife fight with defenceman Mark Borowiecki.

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Bay Street lawyer sells second Aston Martin for Leafs playoff tickets

Bay Street lawyer sells second Aston Martin for Leafs playoff tickets

TORONTO, ON – Spencer J. McFurthy, managing partner at Wentworth, Tomothy & Vineyard LLP today took the undignified step of selling his second Aston Martin in order to purchase Maple Leafs playoff tickets.

McFurthy, who has been a loyal fan of the team for weeks, said that the game had started to get out of reach for normal people like him.

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Tom Rowe promoted to Special Helper role in Florida

Tom Rowe promoted to Special Helper role in Florida

SUNRISE, FL – After steering the Panthers to their first losing record in three seasons, Tom Rowe has been promoted from general manager and interim head coach to the new role of Special Helper in the organization.

Dale Tallon – his replacement as GM – today said that the interim coach had done an excellent job despite his obvious lack of knowledge or skill in the area.

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The ghost of Joe Louis Arena happy he won't have to put up with fishy octopus smell anymore

The ghost of Joe Louis Arena happy he won't have to put up with fishy octopus smell anymore

DETROIT, MI – After enjoying nearly 40 years of Red Wings hockey at the Joe Louis Arena, the building's resident apparition has admitted that he will not miss the storied tradition of fans throwing octopi onto the ice.

In a candid interview with The Elbow, the spirit today admitted that he had become disgusted by the constant lingering fishy smell caused by the eight-legged sea creatures in his home.

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Sabres spare rookie utter humiliation of solo pre-game skate

Sabres spare rookie utter humiliation of solo pre-game skate

SUNRISE, FL – In a sharp shift from the brutal initiation process that first gamers have been subjected to in the past, the Buffalo Sabres decided not to force Sean Malone to skate onto the ice to do a lap on his own before Saturday's game against Florida.

Instead, they all skated onto the ice together and participated in the usual pre-game warm-up, saving the first-gamer from potential life-ruining embarrassment.

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Fed up with growing reputation as legitimate hockey player, Brad Marchand takes matters into his own hands

Fed up with growing reputation as legitimate hockey player, Brad Marchand takes matters into his own hands

BOSTON, MA – Sitting dangerously close to Sidney Crosby for the league lead in goals, Bruins forward Brad Marchand redeemed himself on Tuesday night by spearing Lightning forward Jake Dotchin so hard that eyewitnesses say he left the ground for a few seconds.

The pesky forward had become increasingly frustrated after earning himself a regrettable reputation as a legitimate hockey player this season, so he sought to put an end to such dangerous notoriety with one of his favourite moves.

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NHL hoping to attract NFL fans by increasing stoppages and coach's challenges

NHL hoping to attract NFL fans by increasing stoppages and coach's challenges

NEW YORK, NY – Eager to expand its fanbase in traditional NFL markets, the NHL today announced that it will be taking steps to increase the frequency of stoppages and coach's challenges next season.

A spokesman for the league said the test run of coach's offside challenges over the past two seasons has been a huge success.

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