Jagr probably breaks another record

The Elbow staff

SUNSHINE, FL – With his two goals in Florida's win over Ottawa on Thursday, Jaromir Jagr has probably broken another NHL record.

According to league statistician Martin Ryan, there's a pretty good chance that he passed yet another league great to keep moving up the NHL's all-time scoring leaderboard.

"I can say definitively that with his two goals last night, he passed one of the game's greats, or something," he said. "Without looking into it at all, I can say that's a safe assumption."

"Scoring two goals in a game against a Swedish defenceman as a 44-year-old is probably some sort of record as well. Whatever he did, I'm sure it's a great achievement."

According to NHL historian Malcolm Gilroy, there's a really good chance that the Czech native has passed "Messier, or Gretzky, or one of those other guys by now."

"At this point I've stopped watching," Gilroy said from his home in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"I haven't turned on the news for about a week now, and it's probably safe to say that he's made another one of those old guys look like a cream puff."

"No-one else in league history has made his fellow hockey players – both past and present – look quite as lazy as Jagr has this year. If he's not passing another league great, he's probably at least reached his 40th consecutive 30-goal something or other."