SUNRISE, FL – After steering the Panthers to their first losing record in three seasons, Tom Rowe has been promoted from general manager and interim head coach to the new role of Special Helper in the organization.
Dale Tallon – his replacement as GM – today said that the interim coach had done an excellent job despite his obvious lack of knowledge or skill in the area.
Read MoreDALLAS, TX – With the NHL trade deadline under a week away, a number of teams aiming to make the playoffs are clamouring to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard from the Stars.
Toronto and Florida are two such teams with young, high-end talent completely unqualified to grow any post-season facial hair.
Read MoreSUNRISE, FL – In the hopes of attracting fans to the BB&T Center to boost dwindling attendance numbers, the Panthers today announced that they will be broadcasting bingo on the jumbotron during games for the rest of the season.
As part of the campaign, fans will receive a bingo card, a dauber, and a coupon for unlimited soda upon entry to the arena. Approximately half of the existing seats in the lower bowl will be removed in order to accommodate the expected influx of motorized scooters.
Read MoreRALEIGH, NC – Florida Panthers president of hockey operations Dale Tallon today stood by the team's handling of Gerard Gallant's firing.
Tallon, who is serving as acting general manager until the end of the season, reiterated that the head coach was not made to call his own taxi after being fired on Sunday.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – The local man who was the recipient of four of Jaromir Jagr's five vital organs is back to playing hockey again.
Flyers fan Jeffery Eade received Jagr's heart, kidneys, liver and lungs in the summer of 2011, when the recently-signed Philadelphia forward opted to replace his organs with mechanical parts in an NHL-first.
Read MoreSUNSHINE, FL – With his two goals in Florida's win over Ottawa on Thursday, Jaromir Jagr has probably broken another NHL record.
According to league statistician Martin Ryan, there's a pretty good chance that he passed yet another league great to keep moving up the NHL's all-time scoring leaderboard.
Read MoreSUNRISE, FL – Florida Panthers general manager Dale Tallon has confirmed that forward Jaromir Jagr has successfully undergone his annual parts inspection and oil change.
"Jaromir's mechanic has reported that he is in excellent condition," Tallon said.
Read MoreNHL is our game, delicious pasta is our name.
The best satirical hockey website in the world. Maybe the only one.
We specialize in writing news specific to the NHL and touch on hockey from around the world, but with a twist. Rather than hockey news you'll see in any other medium, it is all satirical. And we think we're the only ones doing it.
All of the content featured on this website is satirical, and all quotes fictional. It is meant to give desperately sad hockey fans something to be happy about during what can be a cold and depressingly long season. If you have any queries or concerns, please feel free to contact us at newselbow@gmail.com.
