PHILADELPHIA, PA — After two weeks of being ruthlessly made fun of for his hideous appearance, Flyers mascot Gritty has taken a leave of absence from the team.
A Flyers spokesman today told reporters that the 32-year-old performer had been confined to his bedroom for the past couple of days after hearing nothing but negative feedback about the way he looks from the press and numerous late night talk shows.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – Flyers' second overall draft pick Nolan Patrick today told reporters that he hopes to find creative ways to be kept out of the team's lineup this season.
Patrick, who is currently sidelined with an infection of the face, is already planning ahead to his next major affliction.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – The Flyers today revealed that they have developed a human-robot hybrid goaltender capable of completely shutting out the abuse and torment lobbed at them by hometown crowds.
The hybrids have been tested under some of the most stressful conditions available to humans, with the latest models surviving all tests with flying colours.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol has been removed from tonight's game against Buffalo after defenceman Andrew MacDonald was dressed for his seventh game in a row.
Concussion spotters escorted an incoherent Hakstol from the Flyers' bench just after the official team sheet was submitted to referees.
Read MoreNEW YORK, NY – The NHL has come down hard on Flyers defenceman Radko Gudas.
During a phone hearing this morning with the Department of Player Safety, the blue liner was proactively suspended 20 games for all of the dangerous hits he'll dish out this season.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – The local man who was the recipient of four of Jaromir Jagr's five vital organs is back to playing hockey again.
Flyers fan Jeffery Eade received Jagr's heart, kidneys, liver and lungs in the summer of 2011, when the recently-signed Philadelphia forward opted to replace his organs with mechanical parts in an NHL-first.
Read MoreWASHINGTON, DC – A study completed by a group of leading anthropologists at Georgetown University has concluded that Flyers fans and Neanderthals are much more closely related than first thought.
The scientists are calling the finding a "major breakthrough for humanity".
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – Flyers rookie defenceman Shayne Gostisbehere has revealed that he is excited to be nothing more than an afterthought in the minds of Calder Trophy voters this year.
Despite sitting fifth in points among rookies and having recently broken the NHL record for the longest point streak by a rookie blue liner, the Florida native says he can't wait to finish a respectable 10th behind all of the big names at season's end.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – Flyers general manager Ron Hextall has admitted that he was bewildered after his proposed deal with the Kings was accepted on Wednesday.
When he got the call from assistant GM Barry Hanrahan to say that the deal had been accepted, Hextall says he was so gobsmacked, that he needed to pull to the side of the road.
Read MorePHILADELPHIA, PA – Retired forward Simon Gagne has described being named the first universally liked player in Flyers franchise history as a "huge honour".
The team held a ceremony to recognize the achievement prior to last night's game against the Kings.
Read MoreNHL is our game, delicious pasta is our name.
The best satirical hockey website in the world. Maybe the only one.
We specialize in writing news specific to the NHL and touch on hockey from around the world, but with a twist. Rather than hockey news you'll see in any other medium, it is all satirical. And we think we're the only ones doing it.
All of the content featured on this website is satirical, and all quotes fictional. It is meant to give desperately sad hockey fans something to be happy about during what can be a cold and depressingly long season. If you have any queries or concerns, please feel free to contact us at newselbow@gmail.com.
