Bring Your Child to Work grad promoted to Leafs GM

Bring Your Child to Work grad promoted to Leafs GM

TORONTO, ON – Maple Leafs president Brendan Shanahan today praised the hard work of its newest general manager Kyle Dubas, after the local boy became the first person to work his way up through the Bring Your Child to Work farm system.

Dubas, 14, initially joined the organization days after his eighth birthday, while his father was working in accounting.

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James van Riemsdyk hires surrogate to chew mouthguard over the summer

James van Riemsdyk hires surrogate to chew mouthguard over the summer

TORONTO, ON – With the Maple Leafs' playoff run coming to an end on Sunday night, forward James van Riemsdyk announced that he has hired a surrogate to spend the summer chewing his trademark green mouthguard.

The surrogate – a part-time accountant from Toronto – will be required to spend at least two hours a day with the piece in his mouth.

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Bay Street lawyer sells second Aston Martin for Leafs playoff tickets

Bay Street lawyer sells second Aston Martin for Leafs playoff tickets

TORONTO, ON – Spencer J. McFurthy, managing partner at Wentworth, Tomothy & Vineyard LLP today took the undignified step of selling his second Aston Martin in order to purchase Maple Leafs playoff tickets.

McFurthy, who has been a loyal fan of the team for weeks, said that the game had started to get out of reach for normal people like him.

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Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

Baby-faced teams in playoff hunt desperate to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard

DALLAS, TX – With the NHL trade deadline under a week away, a number of teams aiming to make the playoffs are clamouring to acquire Patrick Eaves' beard from the Stars. 

Toronto and Florida are two such teams with young, high-end talent completely unqualified to grow any post-season facial hair.

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Babcock to scratch Matthews if he keeps being forced to enjoy his job

Babcock to scratch Matthews if he keeps being forced to enjoy his job

TORONTO, ON – Maple Leafs head coach Mike Babcock today said that he would not hesitate to send star rookie Auston Matthews to the press box if he keeps being forced to enjoy highlight-reel plays by the forward.

The harsh words came after the 19-year-old scored one of the goals of the season, forcing the coach to purse his lips and force a smile down on the bench.

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Local family still not completely sick of outdoor NHL games

Local family still not completely sick of outdoor NHL games

THORNHILL, ON – The Burns family today announced that they are very excited to watch yet another round of outdoor games as the new year approaches.

With tickets to Toronto's game against Detroit at BMO Field on Sunday, the family of four say they are still not completely sick and tired of the spectacle.

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Patrik Lainebot 2900 in for repairs after scoring malfunction against Edmonton

Patrik Lainebot 2900 in for repairs after scoring malfunction against Edmonton

WINNIPEG, MB – After scoring a game-losing own goal on Sunday night, the Winnipeg Jets’ Patrik Lainebot 2900 was back in the laboratory for repairs on Monday due to what team officials are calling a “minor technical bug” in the robot’s programming.

Lainebot 2900, a 206-pound state-of-the-art android designed to resemble an 18-year-old Finnish right winger, was performing well beyond the Jets’ expectations, having scored 17 goals in 32 games to start the season.

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Auston Matthews enjoying life since retiring from hockey

Auston Matthews enjoying life since retiring from hockey

HALIBURTON, ON – Toronto Maple Leafs forward Auston Matthews has been living life on the wild side since retiring from hockey two weeks ago.

The league's first overall draft pick in 2016 has reportedly taken up hunting and hiking since officially hanging up his skates shortly after his debut game in October this year.

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Maple Leafs defencemen dress up as real hockey players for Halloween

Maple Leafs defencemen dress up as real hockey players for Halloween

TORONTO, ON – According to multiple sources in the Maple Leafs organization, a number of the team's defencemen plan on dressing up as real hockey players for Halloween.

The group, consisting of Matt Hunwick, Roman Polak and Martin Marincin, confirmed on Friday morning during a video session that they would give it a try.

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Population of Toronto more than doubles as Leafs fans emerge from nowhere

Population of Toronto more than doubles as Leafs fans emerge from nowhere

TORONTO, ON – The Ontario provincial government today announced that the population of Toronto has more than doubled overnight, following Auston Matthews' four-goal game against the Ottawa Senators.

Previously listed at 2.8 million people, it has been revealed that over 6.4 million people are now living in city. It is an increase not seen in Toronto since the end of the Second World War.

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NHL fans can't wait to see how their favourite players get injured at World Cup

NHL fans can't wait to see how their favourite players get injured at World Cup

TORONTO, ON – With the World Cup of Hockey now underway, fans around the league are on the edge of their seats, excitedly waiting to see how their team's stars get injured playing in the tournament.

Dallas fans got an early taste of the excitement, with star centre Tyler Seguin sidelined with a fractured heel after injuring it in a pre-tournament game last week.

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Stamkos deal falls through after Leafs reveal he would be paid in Canadian Tire money

Stamkos deal falls through after Leafs reveal he would be paid in Canadian Tire money

TORONTO, ON – The Toronto Maple Leafs are scratching their heads this evening after losing out on home-grown superstar Steven Stamkos ahead of Friday's free agency period. 

Lightning GM Steve Yzerman surprised the hockey world on Wednesday by announcing that Stamkos had signed an eight-year, $68 million deal.

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BREAKING: Auston Matthews negotiating five year contract extension with Zurich

BREAKING: Auston Matthews negotiating five year contract extension with Zurich

Zurich, Switzerland – The Swiss league is about to pull off the heist of the century.

Auston Matthews – the player most people expected to go first overall at this year's NHL Entry Draft – has decided to stay with his current club for the foreseeable future.

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Kadri hopes Leafs doctors find something bad enough to shut him down for rest of season, too

Kadri hopes Leafs doctors find something bad enough to shut him down for rest of season, too

TORONTO, ON – Perfectly healthy Leafs forward Nazem Kadri has implored team doctors to find "something, anything" that will keep him from playing any more games this season.

Fearing that he will be the only player left after teammates James van Riemsdyk and Joffrey Lupul were placed on injured reserve on Thursday, the 25-year-old insisted that he felt as if something was not right with his body, either.

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Garret Sparks more worn out from doing interviews than shutting out Oilers

Garret Sparks more worn out from doing interviews than shutting out Oilers

TORONTO, ON – After a 24-save shutout performance on Monday night, Toronto's Garret Sparks has admitted that he is more worn out from doing interviews on Tuesday than he was after the game.

The 22-year-old became the first goaltender in Leafs history to post a shutout on debut.

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NHL ombudsman recommends Western-style duel to solve Leafs' goaltender issues

NHL ombudsman recommends Western-style duel to solve Leafs' goaltender issues

TORONTO, ON – The NHL's ombudsman has recommended that Jonathan Bernier and James Reimer engage in a Western-style duel to clear the logjam in net and end the annoying discussions each year about who the "real" number one is.

In Monday's press release, he said enough was enough. 

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