Local man swears off hockey after "rigged" cup final

Local man swears off hockey after "rigged" cup final

PHILADELPHIA, PA – A local man has today disavowed the entire National Hockey League after witnessing what he described as "a bigger cover-up than Watergate" in Pittsburgh's 2-0 win over Nashville on Sunday night.

Tony Bermini, a 23-year-old Flyers fan, announced in a 1,000 word letter on Facebook that he would be taking his support to another league.

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Local catfish can't wait for children to see his guts spilled out on national TV

Local catfish can't wait for children to see his guts spilled out on national TV

NASHVILLE, TN – Sitting on a dock along the Cumberland River, Norman Lewis has only one thing on his mind ahead of Sunday's game six.

"It'd be a great shame to be wasted on a plate," the 24-year-old catfish told The Elbow. "If I had one wish as I lie here, struggling to breathe, it would be that my carcass is snuck into Bridgestone arena under a sweaty man's jersey, flung 20 metres over peoples' heads and onto the ice."

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Country singer waiting for her big chance to butcher U.S. national anthem

Country singer waiting for her big chance to butcher U.S. national anthem

FRANKLIN, TN – Up-and-coming country singer Taylor Tucker today revealed that she is keenly awaiting her moment to mutilate the Star-Spangled Banner in the Stanley Cup Final.

After watching Martina McBride and Dierks Bentley force words out of their mouths to the tune the anthem before the past two games, she believes she is ready for her opportunity.

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Mayors of Nashville and Pittsburgh make bet; loser to wear Avalanche gear for a week

Mayors of Nashville and Pittsburgh make bet; loser to wear Avalanche gear for a week

PITTSBURGH, PA – As is tradition, the mayors of the two teams competing in the Stanley Cup Final have made a friendly bet regarding the outcome of the series.

Nashville's mayor, Megan Barry, alongside Bill Peduto of Pittsburgh spoke to the media outside PPG Paints Arena this afternoon to announce the terms of the arrangement.

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League suspends Ryan Johansen for not wearing suit to game

League suspends Ryan Johansen for not wearing suit to game

NASHVILLE, TN – Predators forward Ryan Johansen has been suspended for the first ten games of the 2017-18 season after failing to arrive at his team's game six matchup against the Ducks wearing the correct attire.

League rules mandate that all players wear suits to games, regardless of if they're playing that evening or suffering from potentially life-threatening injuries. It's also preferred that they do something nice with their hair, as well.

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Wingels avoids suspension after ghosts of hockey past appear to Quintal

NEW YORK, NY – NHL Director of Player Safety, Stéphane Quintal today revealed that his department has chosen not to suspend Tommy Wingels after what he describes as a visit from the ghosts of hockey past.

The former NHL defenceman said the pair told him that his job was to uphold the rules laid down by the game's founding fathers 100 years ago, not to cave in to the current set of regulations.

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Police arrest Sens fans who planned to start new tradition by throwing senator's corpse onto the ice before game six

Police arrest Sens fans who planned to start new tradition by throwing senator's corpse onto the ice before game six

OTTAWA, ON – Four local men were arrested on Monday for planning to toss a dead senator over the glass and onto the ice before tomorrow's game six against Pittsburgh.

Hoping to start what they believed would be a new tradition for Senators playoff games, the group had dug up the grave of a former senator and dressed it in a team jersey.

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Neutral fan seeks professional help after being caught cheering for Anaheim

Neutral fan seeks professional help after being caught cheering for Anaheim

MONTREAL, QC – A local man today revealed that he has begun intense personality conversion therapy at his family's request, after being caught openly cheering for the Ducks against the Nashville Predators.

The Habs fan said he first noticed symptoms last Friday, but didn't reveal them to his loved ones until yesterday.

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Cardboard cutout of Brooks Orpik found in Pittsburgh dumpster; Game 5 replacement not yet named

Cardboard cutout of Brooks Orpik found in Pittsburgh dumpster; Game 5 replacement not yet named

PITTSBURGH, PA – Capitals blueliner Brooks Orpik has been spotted in a dumpster not far from the PPG Paints Arena on the morning of his team's game five contest against the Penguins.

The lifeless, rain-soaked cardboard cutout, who has played in all but three games for his team this season, was reportedly found by a waste management employee on Friday.

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Sens buy 5,000 leftover Zellers mannequins to fill empty seats

Sens buy 5,000 leftover Zellers mannequins to fill empty seats

KANATA, ON – With thousands of seats left unsold in Ottawa's game against New York on Thursday night, the team today announced that it has purchased leftover mannequins from Zellers to fill the empty space expected for game two.

The legless and headless dummies will be dressed in jerseys and hats from the arena's lost and found section.

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Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

Chara stabbing spree goes unpenalized as refs put the whistles away

OTTAWA, ON – With the NHL continuing to enforce its unwritten rule of not calling penalties during the playoffs, Zdeno Chara has gotten away with stabbing numerous Senators players in game one of their first round series.

Chara was spotted impaling an estimated five Ottawa players throughout the course of the game, prior to initiating a knife fight with defenceman Mark Borowiecki.

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